


Me, Myself, and I

by Mischievist



Category: Original Work
Genre: Diary, Original work - Freeform, Writing, free write, my diary, my thoughts, personal, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2019-06-12 09:08:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 5,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15336546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mischievist/pseuds/Mischievist
Summary: This isn’t anything important. I don’t expect anyone to read this either. This is just going to be a place for me to vent and talk. If you’re reading this, I’m sorry.





	1. Late night issues

July 18, 2018

[2:23am]

 

* * *

Hello. I’m going to say this right now. Everything I write here is going to be me and my thoughts. Unedited thoughts that come out as I type them. So if there’s mistakes, I can’t say I care. No one will read this, so there’s no issue with mistakes. Right?

I’ll introduce myself I suppose. In case anyone _does_ happen to come across this. I won’t say my name, but I’m a ordinary female. I’m not anything special, and I’m sure I’ll never be special anyways.

I normally don’t do this sort of thing. I don’t like writing my thoughts, but I don’t have much of a choice. I don’t talk to anyone about how shitty I feel so I’m here now. 

I don’t like talking to people about my thoughts. Frankly, I don’t like talking to people in general. People tend to call me over dramatic when I vent or rant to them, so I just don’t do it anymore. It’s not worth the pain that comes with it. Whenever I vent, people try to fix my problems, but they always make it _worse._

Well anyways, today I decided to take a good look at my body. And, now I hate my body more than ever. I have stretch marks along my back and on my thighs. They’re awfully ugly...My back is filled to the brim with acne. Which doesn’t help anything. I understand I’m at that age where acne is common, but I hate my body anyways. My back acne makes life a fucking shit hole. I don’t ever go swimming, because I can’t stand to show my back. I don’t want to think about what people would think of it. They’d probably think it’s just as ugly as I do. 

Anyways—I thought that this summer. I was going to be happy. I planned on focusing on getting better, and becoming a better me. I wanted to try and get maybe a little happier. Learn how to control my depression and anxiety even a little bit. But it won’t **go away.** I keep having ‘episodes’ where my depression is awful. I think about cutting myself and marking my arms with ugly scars. The ‘episodes’ only last a few hours but they’re always intense. I suppose I’m having one now.

Ive cut myself before. It’s nothing new. I haven’t cut in awhile, so I guess that’s good. I try not to cut myself. No one ever notices, so it doesn’t really matter. But I know it hurts the people I care about if I tell them I’ve cut myself. So I try to stay away from it. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I don’t use a razor or a knife. I use a pin or my house keys. They never make me bleed, they just burn and leave scratch marks. The marks only last up to a day though. So it’s not a big deal I’m my mind. Apparently it’s bad because I have the intention of hurting myself. But it’s not a big deal really. 

I hate myself. I’m aware that’s the most generic shit to say when your depressed, but god it’s true. I’m not really a good person. I try to be, I really do but I always end up fucking up. I just want to be confident in myself. Confident and happy with who I am but I’m not. I’m not sure I ever will be. I’m brutally honest and I say shit without thinking. I end up hurting people because of that. I’ll talk about my depression openly and people end up getting uncomfortable or just upset in general. It probably makes it seem like I’m an attention whore. Whatever.

Im done venting. I’ll probably just go to sleep and try and forget about tonight. Maybe it’ll all go away in the morning. 

Bye.

* * *

 

[2:41am]


	2. Friendships can suck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Venting isn’t fun but it’s the only solution I can think of. I’m just trying to let out my inner issues, and this is all I got.

July 18, 2018

[3:36pm]

* * *

Its me again. I hate coming back so soon but my minds fucked and this was my only _reasonable_ option. This one will probably be short. I don’t have much to talk about. I don’t plan on only talking about the bas stuff in my life either. Then this whole thing would just be depressing. I guess it already is though.

My day started out _alright_. I woke up at around 1pm which has become normal for me. Im having troubles fixing my sleep schedule but I’m trying. I haven’t eaten yet, I probably should soon but I just don’t have the reason to care. 

Something good did happen today though, a package I ordered arrived! It was from Hunt A Killer, it’s a box you can subscribe to monthly. You basically get clues to try and solve one big mystery and I’m super excited about it. I’m waiting for my grandma to come home so we can do it together! I’m really excited about it. I’ve always loved solving mysteries. Especially if it has to do with murder. 

Then I guess my day turned sour. I’m in a group chat with my friends and I guess it just sucks to feel left out. I’ve learned that my one friend and best friend talk to each other more than they talk try to talk to me. They’re leaving me out of conversations I guess. And it’s not like they’re trying to make conversation with me and I’m just not responding or something. They hardly try to talk to me. If I ever want to hang out or talk, I always have to make the first move or offer. They rarely put in the effort to speak to me. It’s like a one sided friendship that feels like utter shit! 

I didn’t do anything wrong so I don’t understand this. I don’t understand why they don’t want to talk to me. It hurts honestly. It feels like getting burned with fire. It’s an awful feeling. Maybe they just don’t like me anymore. Or I did some,thing wrong without realizing it. Or maybe I’m being overreactive. I don’t know....I’m just..not happy.

I want them to talk to me more. And to hang out with them, I love them. But I don’t think they I mean as much to them as they mean to me. I want to ask them why they’re doing this, or tell them how I feel and see if it’s just a misconception but I’ve done that before. I talked to my friend about it and it felt like he was just shrugging me off. 

My therapist told me that if I don’t tell people how I’m feeling, she can’t feel empathy for me. That she won’t feel bad about my problems if I don’t try and fix them.

Well, what now?

I almost want someone to read this so that they can give me advice. I _need_ advice. I jut don’t know what to fucking do. I don’t know what I did to deserve this kind of hurt and emotional pain. Is it just me? Did I do something wrong? If I did I’m sorry....

Admittedly, I want someone to read this. So then maybe I’m not invisible to the world. Because that’s what it feels like. I feel like I’m invisible; that I have no real importance or meaning to people. I feel like one in a billion, which I technically am. But I don’t want to be one in a billion! I want to stand out! I want to mean something, I want people to notice me! Because I try just as hard as anyone else! I try to get my work out there but no one seems to notice. I don’t get why some people get recognized for what they do, but others who try _just as hard_ don’t. Its unfair. 

Lifes unfair, I know that.

Thats why I hate living. Because it doesn’t seem to matter how hard you try for something. Sometimes it just doesn’t matter.

* * *

 

[3:53pm]

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: it’s ironic how right after I posted it, my friend messaged me.


	3. Problematic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My life is problematic; that’s the best way for me to put it. I’ll talk about a few different things in this update. It won’t be interesting, trust me.

* * *

July 19, 2018

[7:00pm]

* * *

Another day, and more problems. I don’t understand why I can’t go through one fucking day without having a depressive episode. It’s almost irritating. 

Today really wasn’t anything special. I stayed up till nearly 6am and woke up at around 2pm so that was great. I wasted half my day sleeping and I only half care at this point. Yesterday, I ended up doing the mystery box with my grandmother. It wasn’t really fun. She was being rude throughout the whole thing and it just wasn’t as fun as I wanted it to be. 

So, I read Manhwas. They’re basically comics I guess. I have fun reading them. They calm me down and make me feel happy, even when something bad is happening in the Manhwa. When I read them I can’t help but wish I lived a life like theirs. They always seem to end happily, I wish my life would end like that. I almost wished I lived in a sitcom sometimes. Where everything ends happily and there’s no real worries or problems. But it’s just a fairy tale dream I’ll never have. Obviously.

Ive always had a big imagination; I guess that’s why I became an artist. I have a lot of characters I’ve made honestly. I want to share them to the world, I want people to be interested in them and their stories. But that’s just a dream too. Only my two friends really ask about my characters. They ask to hear their stories, and they remember what I tell them. It makes me really happy to know people care about the stuff I work hard on. Fuck, I’m basically crying while writing this. I just wish my characters were noticed more. I post about them on my Instagram account, but no one really pays any mind to them. Maybe one day they’ll be realized. Maybe one day my hard work will pay off.

I messed up today. I have an online friend, my only online friend. She means the world to me but I can never seem to find the right words when I talk to her. I tend to mess up and ruin the mood when I’m speaking to her. It always happens because I talk about my issues. Maybe it’s better if I just pretend to be happy all the time? That’s what I do with my real life friends. She told me not to do that though. She’s probably reading this now. So sorry if you are reading this. I’ll try not to hide my emotions. I just don’t want to upset you more than I already do.

I don’t know if the things I write on here are concerning to people. I assume not; since no one reads this anyways. I thought about showing this to my therapist, but she’d tell my grandmother about it. That’s the last thing I want. My grandma calls my over reactive and takes my depression as a fucking joke. So I don’t want her reading this. 

Maybe it’s better if I just don’t tell anyone? I told one person about this. And thats already scaring me. I don’t know. Maybe this was a good thing to tell them about this, maybe it wasn’t. I might regret it but maybe I’ll benefit. I guess I don’t know for now.

I told my online friend that I don’t like talking about my problems to people. Which is actually why I’m here. Because talking to people normally gets me in trouble. The main reasom why I _**hate**_ talking about my problems is because once, when I spoke about my issues and how I was _really_ feeling...I got driven away in a police car to a mental hospital. So I guess I just don’t trust people anymore. I’m scared that they’ll tell people and that I’ll get in trouble for speaking in such ways. 

I feel bad. I want to help my online friend. I want to make her smile, and make her laugh. I want her to feel happy. But I feel like I’m always the reason why she’s upset. Because of something I said. I have good intentions, maybe I just don’t help as much as I think I do.

maybe one day I’ll help people be happy. As happy as they make me.

* * *

[7:20pm]

 


	4. A Rough start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn’t going to be all sad! It might start off that way but I promise I’ll try and end it on a happy note ;)

July 20, 2018

[8:24pm]

* * *

My day started off rough today. It wasn’t too fun to be honest. Recently my sleep schedule hasn’t been the best. It’s inconsistent and I wake up extremely late in the day. I got advice and I’m certainly going to try and fix this issue.

Admittedly, I’m a bit disappointed in myself for waking up in the afternoon. I don’t ever mean to, it just happens. My sleep schedules always been unhealthy though. The only time where it was ever a healthy schedule was when I was younger, like elementary school age. But recently it’s been _very_ bad, especially now that it’s summer. I’m hoping I’ll be able to fix it soon, but until then I’m fucked.

Today, wasn’t the best. I woke up and did my normal everyday things, but I haven’t eaten yet so—yeah. I assume most of you don’t know this, but I have a nose piercing. It’s on the lobe of my nose and it’s a hoop. Every now and again I have to clean it. Normally, I can clean it with it in the lobe, but I decided today I was going to take it out to clean it. I knew it would be a bad idea, and surprise! I was right. I took it out, and cleaned it as normal. It was fine until I tried to put the piercing back in. I was in my bathroom, cause it’s easier to see what I’m doing in the bathroom light.

What ended up happening was, I dropped the piercing down the fucking drain. At first, I was actually calm about it. I was just in disbelief. I went to my room and grabbed a piercing that was smaller. It was fine until it wouldn’t fucking fit. I was freaking out at this point. I was crying and being a drama queen about it all. My grandmother ended up getting it out (she took the piping apart) and all was fine. We sterilized it, and I’m wearing it now but that whole thing fuckin sucked.

Okay! Now, I was going to update this today anyway. And every now and again I check this page to see if anything new has happened. I wasn’t expecting there to be a comment on my writing though. I was horrified honestly. I was worried someone was going to say I’m over reacting or someone commented something bad. Honeslty, I didn’t want to read the comment. But god, I’m happy I did. It made my day, and for the person who commented thank you. Seriously, thanks. It made me smile and honestly I almost cried over it. It’s always nice to know people actually care about me. 

It gives me hope in this god awful world. It makes me think maybe life isn’t always going to be this bad. Maybe one day I’ll be truly happy. 

So, **Thank You.**

* * *

 

[8:35pm]

 


	5. Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sorry” is a word I say more than I should. I can never help it, it just happens. It annoys people with how much I say it. And it hurts me to know it annoys people. I wonder if you say a word too much, if that decreases the worth of it.

[7:51pm]

July 21

* * *

Emotions suck ass, okay? They really fucking do. 

I hate it. I hate emotions. I have for awhile. At one point I tried to completely shutdown myself. I tried to strain myself of any emotion, any empathy or sympathy. I was sick of feeling shit that I didn’t want to feel. I was sick of my emotions fucking everything up. I still am and I am now. I don’t understand why I can’t just be happy. It’s been years. Fucking years of working on my emotions, working on myself. With different therapists and different pills and none of it works! Why can’t it just fucking work!? 

They tell me to just keep trying different medications. That maybe the next one will work out for me. And surprise! It never does. It’s a waist of time. I’m sick of trying new medications when they never work. But I’m not any better without them either. So yay me.

I hate pretending to be okay for people. I do it all the time. It’s even harder in person. My friends will be upset, crying or just not okay all around and I have to be their support. I have to make them feel good before I can work on myself. And it **_fucking_** _hurts._ Im not saying I don’t want to help my friends. I really do. I love seeing my friends happy and it gives me a warm feeling to know that they’re happy. But....when you’re always helping others, there starts to be no time for you. I have to pretend to be happy for people, just so I know that they’re okay. And if I kill myself helping others than so be it! At least I’ll die knowing I made others happy.

I know if my friends read this, they’d stop venting to me. They’d stop telling me about their problems, because they’d feel like they’re to blame. But this is my choice; and even if it hurts me, I’m happy with it. I’d feel like shit if my friends stopped venting to me because of this. It’d make me hurt more than I do now. I’d feel like I lost their trust, and with that. I’d lose myself. I can’t say I’d want to help myself if I knew my friends didn’t feel comfortable venting to me anymore.

I like it that people feel safe talking to me. Because I’ve had people tell me that they’re _**scared of me**. _ You know how painful it is to hear, that people are scared of you? It’s not like I hurt people! I’ve never intentionally done things wrong, so why are people scared of me?! I want people to feel safe with me. I’m not a scary person. I don’t think I am at least. 

I must’ve done something wrong. Can’t say I’m surprised really. 

I always do something wrong.

* * *

 

[8:03pm]

 


	6. Past feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don’t read this. It’s for your own good. Trust me.

July 21, 2018

[8:10pm]

* * *

 

I can’t fucking breath. I couldn’t write a fucking ‘chapter summary’ for this, that just wasn’t possible. I can’t think clearly and I can’t write too good either. I keep having to go back and delete what I type. My chest burns and stings it feels like someone’s pressing down on my chest. It hurts. My head hurts too. It feels numb and clouded. Like I can’t put together a full thought. 

Nothing about this feels okay. I haven’t felt this way in a good while. A least not that I’ve realized. I just went back to write a chapter summary. I’m sorry for any of you who decided to go against what I asked and read this. That wasn’t a smart idea. I feel like my heads spinning. I feel dizzy and everything’s moving slowly. Unnaturally so.

i told someone I had to take a break. I hate taking breaks. I hate that my mind is so fucked up that I have to take a break because I can’t even form a fucking thought. I’m just typing what’s coming to my mind I’m not thinking.

This is a panic attack, right? That’s what this has to be. That makes more sense that anything else I can think of. Fuck I hate this.

i want it to end

* * *

[8:16pm] 


	7. Good day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don’t have much to say this time. This chapter is intended to be short and just a quick update considering my last chapters.

July 22, 2018

[7:38pm]

* * *

 

I wanted to start this off by saying sorry. I’m sorry to any one I concerned with the last chapters. It wasn’t my intention, I didn’t mean for that to happen. I honestly just needed a place to vent and I didn’t know where else to go. I’m safe and I’m okay!! I didnt harm myself yesterday in any way shape or form. I’m 100% okay now. That sort of thing doesn’t happen often and thank you again to the person who commented. I’m okay now, I promise.

Today was good, and I’m glad it was. I needed a good day especially after yesterday’s shitty events. I bought my first skirt today! That may not seem odd to you all but for me it is! I don’t like wearing skirts, and I don’t like wearing dresses. So I stepped outside of my comfort zone today and bought one online. I’m super excited for it to arrive and I can’t wait to try it on. It’s a plain black skater skirt. I’m super happy with it and I plan on buying combat boots to match it.

I finally put shelves up in my room like I had been planning to. I’m really happy with how my room is coming along. I’ve been wanting to stylize it for awhile. Maybe one day my room will be perfect (in my eyes at least)

Well, that’s it for the update today. I figure you guys deserved to at least know that I’m okay. 

Have a wonderful day, all of you!

* * *

 

[7:46pm]


	8. Update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A update about what’s been happening recently. Ill try not to make this too long or too short but I’ll also try to inform you all the best I can!

[10:57pm]

July 28, 2018

* * *

Wow it’s been pretty long hasn’t it? It feels like it’s been a long time to me at least. I haven’t really checked how long it’s been since I last updated, but it feels like it’s been forever. I wanted to update awhile back but I honestly just kept forgetting to get around to it.

So, a good amount of stuff has happened in the past few days. I’ve had a fair share of break downs or what I’ve been calling ‘episodes’. I had one extremely bad one yesterday. I was shaking and crying and just breaking down. The shaking was horrible though. I was violently shaking, it was like my whole body was vibrating and I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t get it to stop. That’s never happened to me before. I believe it was because of a panic attack? But I’ve never experienced something so—scary, so bad before. It was horrifying and it wouldn’t go away. It took _at least_  fifteen minutes for it to stop. I got extremely close to cutting myself on that day. I didn’t, I didn’t do it for the sake of someone else but I got very close to. 

On July 23, Monday, me and my boyfriend broke up. I was the one who ended it. The relationship wasn’t anything I wanted. He’s a great guy, the sweetest guy I’ve ever met, but he wasn’t for me. We’ve broken up three times before, and I don’t plan on getting back together with him after this. It isn’t worth it. I didnt cry over him this time. I love him, but as a brother. We agreed to remain friends, I texted him a few times and he responded. But I really just don’t want a relationship. Not now at least. It’s stress and drama that I just don’t need right now. It hurts still, but in a way I’m proud of myself for being able to do what was best for me.

Yesterday, my friend stopped by my house. Out of the blue without really telling me. She actually texted me first to ask if I was home, and if I was alone. I can’t say I was expecting her to stop by my house though. She told me she missed me, and we both talked for awhile about everything that’s happened. It felt...refreshing. I honestly was beginning to think she didn’t want me anymore, but I guess I was wrong. I’m glad I was.

I got into new Manhwas recently. I read and finished quite a few, 4 to be exact. I always feel so happy when I read them. I love rooting and cheering for characters. Even if they always seem to end happily, and I know that, it’s fun to read them anyways.

Today, I went to a fair! It’s called ‘Canal Days’ and it’s actually pretty fun. The crowds make my anxiety go nuts but I have fun with them regardless. I watched a horror movie today and ate with my grandparents. I also babysitted my cousins with my grandparents, can’t say I really enjoyed that though. That’s just a quick pointless summary of what happened today though. It’s really nothing important. 

Before I go, I wanted to say one last thing. Ive realized that a few of you may want to speak with me. So here,

My Tumblr: Epiphanyxp

My Instagram: Mischievist 

feel free to message me on either of those accounts! On those accounts you can feel free to vent to me or just speak with me in general. I’ll make sure to message you back as soon as I can! Promise!

 _IMPORTANT:_ If you decide to message me on either of those accounts PLEASE let me know you came from this! Just tell me you came from ArchiveOfOurOwn so I don’t ignore your message or something.

 

Thanks for reading this update guys ^^ I’ll update again soon

* * *

 

[11:16pm]

 


	9. Relasping

[7:21am]

August 2, 2018

* * *

 

Before _ANY_ of you read this I want you to listen to this first. I will be talking about possibly triggering things. Drugs being the main factor. So I don’t suggest you read this chapter if that should be at all triggering or harmful to you.

Second, I will be talking about my father. He will not be presented in the best light but I do _NOT_ want _ANY_ of you to say anything bad about him if you comment or anything else. HE IS MY FATHER. He will always be my father and _NONE_ of you have the right to say anything about him. Because, even though I will be sharing things with you, none of you know the full story.

Lastly, please, if you comment do not say “I understand what you’re going though” because unless you have actually went through something like what I’m about to talk about, you don’t understand. You don’t understand the pain unless you’ve felt it yourself.

So, I’ve been up for hours now. I didn’t sleep much, so I was actually going to go to sleep shortly. That was my intention at least. Then, I got called out of my room by my grandmother. Recently she had told me she had to pick up my dad from the police station. So, considering that, she asked me, “Do you want to know the real reason your dad was at the police station?” I didn’t know she’d told me a false reason. 

Well, my dad has relapsed into drugs. My dad has been into jail for around a year due to drugs before. So hearing he relapsed was probably one of the most painful things I’ve had to hear in a long while. When he got out of jail, he promised me to get better. That he would try his hardest to be an actual father towards me, to try and grow our relationship. And now, he’ll be going back into jail for years. I’m going to be without a father again. And it’s not like I even have a real mother anyways. I have my grandma, and god I’m grateful I do. But, , I just,, Ive always wanted a real family. A real mother and a father but I’ve never had that.

I just want my father back. I want a dad. I want him to be better for not even me but himself. Because I know he’s better than this, I know he’s a good guy. He has the right intentions but drugs fuck you up. When you do drugs you aren’t yourself anymore. I need my dad to be himself. I want to know the real him. The drug-free him. But I’ve never been able to.

I think the worse part is I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to this about. I feel like shit when I talk to my friends about this stuff. Hell! Barely any of my fucking friends talk to me anymore so what am I supposed to do? Why does it feel like I’m alone when I need people the most.

im _sorry_

 _i blame myself for my dads mistakes_. It makes me feel like I wasn’t worth it enough. That I wasn’t worth enough to make him stop. That I’m not enough, his own child, to convince him that maybe he shouldn’t be doing this. 

What am I worth to you?

* * *

 

[7:43am]


	10. Goodbye

[5:37pm]

September 23, 2018

* * *

 

Hey, it’s been awhile hasn’t it? 

Dont get worried by the title!! I promise it’s not anything bad. I’m saying goodbye because I don’t need this diary/vent blog anymore. 

 

For awhile, I vented into this journal that was supposed to be private. I didn’t think anyone would ever read it, and yet, people have. When I first started getting comments from someone it really took me by surprised because I didn’t think anyone would care. But.....someone did. Some people did. And you guys don’t even know me!! It’s crazy. 

But recently I’ve started school again. Things have been getting better and I don’t need to vent in this journal anymore. I have my group of friends back in school, though I did lose a few. And! I even made more friends. I’ve talked to my therapist more about stuff that’s been bothering me and one night I even called a suicide hotline to try and help myself. 

Im glad I did.

Ive been drawing again and my art is really improving! I’m not completely happy with it but I know I have to keep working harder to make it even better!! I’m excited to see what it becomes.

I have braces now too! They’re a pain in my ass but hopefully it’ll be worth it in the end. I still of course have some bad stuff happening but I’m figuring it out and dealing with it the best I can. Life’s punching me in the face every now and again but I’m working through it and trying to stay positive. 

Me and my therapist are going to be working on confidence with who I am so hopefully, I’ll be able to fully love myself in the future.

but, for now I don’t need this anymore. I can move on and I don’t plan on reading this journal for awhile. Maybe I’ll look back at it some day and reminisce on who I used to be and how I used to feel. I’m sure I’ll surprise myself. 

So, this is my last log **for now**. 

Maybe I’ll make another journal someday and vent into that.

But until then,

Goodbye <3

* * *

 

[5:46pm]


	11. Welcome back old friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just needed to vent

April 20, 2019

[6:13pm]

* * *

 

Its been awhile hasn’t it? Yeah, welcome me back.

for once I don’t care who reads this or what people think of it all. If I care at all, I just want to know others care too. That would be a fun thing to know. To actually feel like others care for me; that I’m not just _nothing._

Yeah how great would that be.

ive been trying my hardest to make things go right recently. I’ve had to fight for something harder than anyone else was in the situation. I know that too, because I’ve been told I was the only one trying that hard. I hate having to be the one to try harder. It feels like I’m the only one who really cares.

 

recently I’ve been trying my hardest to get the money to fly out and see my girlfriend. I have the money, but we ran into some issues that could be solved easily if my parental figure just... drove me to the airport. That’s all she would have to do. But she can’t do that for me with all her free time because she just doesn’t care,

my girlfriend had tried working it out with her and told her how broken I was over it, and she just said she can’t do anything.

thanks for making me feel like you care....

don’t think for a second that that’s all I’m upset about. It’s really not. My depression has gotten worse and I just want to stop trying. I keep fighting for things and trying hard to make things right only for it to blow up in my face. Like....is that all I get? Nothing good? Can **SOMETHING** just go fucking right for me _please_?!? I need something to go right in my life. Fucking anything something, p l e a s e. I’m actually fucking begging you, world, something whoever JUST LET ME KNOW EVERYTHING I DO ISNT A WASTE.

i just....want to know I’m not trying for nothing....

i wish I could sleep and not wake up again....when all the pain is gone...then I’ll wake up..

 

someone... just help me...

im ready to stop trying for awhile.

* * *

 

[6:25]


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